Who Are These Guys?

With Hawaii's local primary election coming up this Saturday, September 20th, it's time to take a brief look at some of the candidates for Honolulu Mayor you have probably never heard of (or will ever hear from again).

First up is Paul Manner, a quiet but focused public servant who can always be reached via his "24-hour voice mail." Apparently, the 12-hour voicemail package is not for everyone. Don't be misled by the lack of information provided for the Honolulu Advertiser's 2008 Voters' Guide (see my high-tech clippings below). Although he is a man of few words, Mr. Manner is actually very sociable and fun-loving once you get to know him. What looks like an angry stare is really just a front he uses to test whether or not you truly care about his candidacy. If you can't take him seriously, what gives you the right to hear his political ideas? Besides, you can't stereotype a person based superficial details like work experience, hometown or how old their creepy yearbook photo is. Everyone knows that public office is not about having a bright smile, an outgoing personality or cleverly articulated policy proposals. It's what's in your voicemail that counts.
Next up is Daniel Cunningham, who is anything but shy. He'll be the first to mention the fact that his doctor's license was revoked, but hey, nobody's perfect. A hallmark of the Cunningham campaign is his forward-looking plan to build a "21st century Noah's ark" out of "steel mesh reinforced glass" as an alternative to rail transit. In case you're concerned about the durability of this contraption, not to worry. It can't be affected by tidal waves, earthquakes or even ice ages for that matter.

While other candidates have conveniently side-stepped the hot-button issue of electric cars, Cunningham remains firm in his belief that they should be privately owned. Also, if you're an electric car owner who is looking to trim the family budget, don't waste your money on needless car insurance. It's common knowledge that your car already comes equipped with "automatic safety technology" that prevents breakdowns and accidents. While some in the unforgiving political blogosphere have dismissed his proposals as "preposterous" and "silly", Cunningham appears to the only mayoral candidate with the strength and resolve to put forward a practical, no-nonsense energy solution that will maximize our surplus of decommissioned aircraft carriers. With all the hype and focus on the "real" candidates, someone needs to stand up for the fair treatment of aspiring leaders whose talents have been ignored because of elitist media bias. If neither Manner nor Cunningham is elected as our next mayor, we will have no one but ourselves to blame.